i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
