What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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