One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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