Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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