she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Come on in and take your pants off
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