sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
