I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
