omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
