I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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