i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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