i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
