Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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