a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
