I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
