Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
