I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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