I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
