just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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