Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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