Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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