god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
