Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
