I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
