I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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