I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
