Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
