And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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