Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
