I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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