Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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