sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
