i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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