i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
