Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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