Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
