Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
