Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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