what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
