After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
