how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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