why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
