i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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