two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
