she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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