I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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