So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Randomize
