I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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