if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize