Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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