good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
