he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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