Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
