Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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