there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
