I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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