if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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