mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize