i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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