I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
