We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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