I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
